Progress or Just No-gress?

Ok, let's start this post over again. I've finished my Arizona Iced Tea. I'm halfway into the bag of Doritos. I've tried to throw myself under a bus telling you my life story in and out of second life and real life.





My thought process is this right now: I'm a mess because I forgot entirely how hard it is to plan a blog post around a fashion piece. I have very little fashion sense per se, and despite working fashion retail last year and also having a three-year degree in graphic design - I just find it difficult.


I struggle because I see the flaws in my process.





I struggle because well, I set this task up to keep me out of trouble. I knew full well that leaving my creative line of doing fashion in second life, was going to end sometime in that format. When I leave one creative process, I stumble into the dark and start throwing things around like a toddler. I've edged into that a little bit, but that's expected due to the amount of struggle I have reminding everyone WHY I did that.


I also do it to remind myself to get off FFXIV for a while, and be in some sort of mindful practice of "WORKING" while I don't have a real job again. Blogging is a form of storytelling, and while I can put words to paper, and illustrate a story in fiction possibly - Forming a story around a piece of clothing or outfit - is extremely difficult.





Especially when I have a love-hate relationship with my avatar with the most clothing on it. Right now I'm not in a space to ask for sponsorship, it would not be in good faith. Right now most people don't even know who I am let alone that I had my own shop. And if they do? They probably know my male avatar's face from all the drama that was centered around Naria Panthar. Yea, I'm not proud of that moment. I'm not here to cause more drama on either side of that coin, and while I'm still banned from some places because of it - I understand full well that I deserved it. Ahem, moving along before I go into a long schpeel about it (or rather, I'll make another full apology post about it later - I think I've done this on Flickr once already, and I did it on FB - but it still needs to be talked about).





I struggle with dysphoria, because despite claiming gender fluidity on second life - I tend to be very rigid in how things work. I feel like I must be like the others, in order to progress in life. (Ahem, I was writing about this earlier in a different format, how funny LOL...). I struggle because despite having 20 different shapes and several heads to play with, it's just - never enough in my eyes. Despite people telling me otherwise.


Also please save me. My mom's dog just farted. I might be dead in about five minutes, anyone has a mask or a butt plug for the dog? I realize the dog's cute, and she's my mom's little baby - but that rat rascal has a penchant for laying near me and stink bombing my nose. My mom claims this is her way of loving me, and she laughs evilly as she reminds me that after her brain surgery she can't even smell it so why should she care.





Anyway.


I also struggle because this whole amount of "What Works and What Doesn't" is where I never developed a fashion sense on this avatar. I did a bit of modeling back on my first avatar, so there's more makeup and there's more this or that. But a TON of the "THIS OR THAT" is also back when SL was not as quite a high definition as it is today. We're talking 2007-2009 before I stopped using Reiko and started using Tokyo instead.


And all this money I spent on templates, textures, and all that - and never once did I think to treat myself on things for either avatar in length? I did sometimes, but it was always me feeling like I didn't deserve it because I had yet to earn money to pay rent. If it was a week I couldn't take lindens out, and I failed miserably at sales, I felt like mud. I watch other creators buying cute things from all the events, and good things for their men and women and other avatars - and me feeling like I barely deserved the Sailor Mercury nails from Ota-Con back in May.


See I have a load of different makeup, but some of it doesn't work because it's a form of bakes on mesh that only works barely on certain heads. I also have stuff I've made that just leaves me wondering why I was snorting cocaine. I don't even take illegal substances, just the legal ones to keep me sane lol. I also have a ton of eyes, and I have good amounts of skins.





The hard part is? I also just updated to the boundless update to Lelutka and I'm in awe of the technology - but it messed with my autism and it messed with my dysphoria and self-face-blindness lol. HOW AM I MEANT TO BLOG IF I CAN'T EVEN RECOGNIZE MY SELF? (Teasing, this is a regular issue if I change my hair or ears, or even makeup ti flips me off in-game for some reason. I don't have this issue that much in reality, just in second life for some reason. Wait, this is because the only time I had face blindness with myself was when I was trying to be super feminine LOL - full-on confession there! Being assigned female at birth I was going through phases of having to play ball with society at the time. NOT FUN!)_


Oh god, I'm rambling again.


Yea I think you're starting to see my point. One thing leads to another, and also forgetting how to handle the neck seam when it shows up - and just frustratingly not understanding life and everything else. I have photos I wanted to edit from the other night but maybe not tonight. It's early enough tonight I can probably still play FFXIV for a bit even if I just figure out what crafting jobs I can play with at night time. I got a bap on the nose for blowing Gil on the armor I didn't need just so I could fulfill my Irish-bard-pirate needs. My free company leader must be shaking her head by now LOL.


If you have the same troubles (not exact but some) - lemme know in the comments or via social media how you combat some of this stuff. I mean I know I'm bad at spending money on myself, but I think my process originally was "I can spend money when I earn it" - and that spiraled real QUICK LOL.




AH Also, I was talking about why I wasn't ready to ask for a fashion or store sponsor for the blog. I'm only two weeks or less from shutting my shop. I've got an accidental black mark on my name for jumping out of an event IN THE MIDDLE OF IT while my shop was shutting lol. Let people settle for a bit, I need to practice my photography a bit more and spend some time planning. The thrill of the first post was awesome, but also the thrill of everything else i'm doing is hopefully going to save me from doing the trouble of BEING IN trouble - and be useful for something. But yea, no use in asking for a sponsor if i'm anxious about even writing a post around a fashion piece.


I'm not talking about people donating, i'm just talking about the usual second life thing for fashion bloggers. I can't do furniture unless i set it all out in a sandbox and go NO DONT RETURN IT TO ME i just finished NOOOooOoo! LOL. Sponsors that pay you in the product, not like reality where they pay you in product AND in money lol.



So this post is sponsored by MY BAG OF DORITOS AND THE DOG FART that almost killed me. (I will someday blog about that dog, xD the stories about my mom's babies I could tell you about!)



And with that, I now finish my strange cobbled together blog post that redacted so much of my self-loathing that you'll never know what I was originally going to write. Goodnight blog readers, and STAY HOME if you can - DO NOT LICK THE TURKEY unless you're in New Zealand and you're using the covid tracer app... Then make sure it's just the turkey loaf from countdown or something?



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Site Updates January 2020

A simple update for those of you who've been here since before i swapped to using my domain name: Swapped my personal/branded domain from squarespace to wix - This merged the original blog with my own

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