Brushing? Through?

Ok, so today started me cleaning out my Flickr a bit. I don't mind having some record of what I've created as a former designer. That's not really what I've been cleaning. It's the ad copy that I don't need anymore to confuse potential and former customers. If I sell anything in the future it will be up to me I guess? At this stage though anything I've done ad copy that leads to a SLURL that doesn't exist - will be removed from my Flickr.

This doesn't mean that I can't put up a gallery on here celebrating all the ad copy I've done in reference to my skills.

It won't be today though.

Today is like day four since I had a major fallout with a friend of mine that, coincidentally also was a huge friend in SL as well as outside of SL. I'm not going into the full details of who said what. It's not my job to point out who's at fault, we know I'm the asshole here lol. I don't mean that in a self-loathing way.

I mean, I kinda do. But in I'm 37 and HAHAHAH I'm an asshole sort of way. I'm at fault for what caused the whole thing to meltdown. I am fully aware of it. It's NOT the only thing that's caused me to have problems with my behaviour and attitude and getting in the wrong areas in second life and otherwise.

I wanted to do a post where I recognized my faults. Where I admit to the things I've done without throwing my ass and others under the bus. Recognizing that though there are enemies I've made, that should be scrutinized and enemies I've made that are my fault entirely - that it takes two to tango sometimes. That tango with me tends to be a tug of war contest near the end and I have to learn to let it just be a tango dance and stop trying to rip people's arms off.

I got back into Second Life as sort of a "i'm bored, i've graduated - It's just the end of NZ summer here NOW WHAT?!?" motive. It was about the end of January of this year, give or take a day or two. I didn't intend at that time, to get back into clothing, let alone go head first into doing events. I didn't intend to get tangled into one of the largest second life vlogger scandals of 2020. No, I just intended on doing some of my RL design in there and fluffed around. Then i happened upon my older avatar, Tokyo Enyo (i have alts like the size of mount everest shut up lol.) - and found that i'd jumped into doing full perm mesh texturing back in 2015/16 and gave up entirely.

We, as in my friend and I (Fyi: I'm not naming them because at this point I don't know if they want to be named? xD They have a store, they make awesome shit, but they don't need to be involved in my post for sanity reasons) - started peeking around cheap mainland parcels. He'd recently sold an older one of his and wanted to pick up one if we were all gonna hang out more in Second Life again.

Oh boy did that seem like a WONDERFUL IDEA AT THE TIME. Yea, we all (Mom, Friend and I) got parcels - then Mom and I kept GETTING MORE PARCELS. We started the Beehive not long after that. We started to GRAB MORE PARCELS (ok this is more like April now lmao) - WE STARTED THE BEEHIVE EVENT. By the time JULY CAME, we had nearly 1/4th of a sim on mainland. We called it SNAKE DICK because it wasn't in a uniform shape. Despite all the frustration of nobody knowing we had an event, and having to shut shit down due to rising costs - We HAD A BRILLIANT time trying to hack at it. However people around us kept selling up land and putting it for stupidly high and stupidly low prices - lagging like mad from too many breedables. Complaints about extremely adult pornographic content from neighbors kept coming in (not us, but people that would see our neighbors and think we were insane.) - and drama drama drama.

Inbetween all this i'm still doing my art. This art related drama started when i did something for Lichi Moonwall back in June.

Ok, so that wasn't REALLY THE START of it. It was that I decided after that one to do a giveaway. I wasn't really involved with any vloggers on a high level scale, i'd been watching Mousy and Adore a bit before this. I noticed there was another Vlogger that i'd peeked at a bit called Naria Panthar. I think i advertised in her server at the time (wait, just wait .. lol don't start judging my ass YET) - and she won one of the slots.

At the time, things were REALLY SETTLE. At the time i was UTTERLY OBLIVIOUS AS NAIVE FUCKING HELL. (Now you can start the judicating, the shaming, and the HOW FUCKING COULD YOU THREATS.) - I didn't get it. I was in her server, she was "nice" to me - and being the autistic weirdo that I am - I LITERALLY was unaware.

FYI: You should know I readily admit to having Autism, Anxiety and ADHD. I have been known without cause to use them as excuses, but uh - usually that's beause i forget that i'm using them as excuses and come around and try and fix my issues AFTER i've done something stupid. Y'know the usual ADHD, open door, get smacked, shut it - open it, get smacked again? Yea that one. I don't KNOW i'm always making excuses until it's a little too late.

In this case. It was too late by the time I'd gotten into her server to advertise. In the respect of those that are involved in or have been involved in the whole Naria scandal - I am not posting any of her photos i've taken, or art. I've removed her from my flickr as much as possible, and i've taken her off my RL portfolio as well as most other platforms. In the instance of a quad piece on instagram - i'm not going to go ERASING HER FACE just because she's a rebellious bully. (Trust me i'm not even done explaining this whole mess)

Anyway. I'd watched some more of her and Timm Novak's content - I did another giveaway and more people got slots. I made a set of jackets and gave some stuff to Naria fans at some stage because I didn't understand what was going on. I thought Naria was "THE NICE ONE" - in her defense - she CAN be nice, every human being i've met on Second life CAN BE NICE. It's how they handle the sitautions they're involved in, that make them entirely a good person or a downright asshole. (Me? I'm a downright asshole anyways, sadly that just comes with the package.)

I was starting to see some weird patterns. People were coming after me left and right and telling me I was on virtual secrets. People were "doxxing" Naria.

Let me just interrupt this for a second: Bully OR NOT. You don't doxx people. I'm not naming names here, because this whole scandal got super heated for no apparent reason because we know why (and will get to more of that later.). I joke about never being doxxed, because I'm so open with who I am and what's wrong with me, and where i live and what my dogs farts smell like. That makes it so freaking easy to DOXX me that nobody does it. Wether Naria deserved it or not, we need to learn to stop doing it to people we hate. You notice that when i posted about a SL individual that abused a family member of mine? I only posted his second life information. What you do after that (since his SL username is his youtube account as well lol) - is not my problem.

People were attacking me, because i thought someone like Naria was nice to me - they may not have been my friend - but they were nice to me. I did see the whole recent flare-up in front of me start because I said some REALLY STUPID SHIT on facebook. Btw - apart from spelling, i'm not checking Grammarly LOL - it's messing up my process of checking capitalization and sentence structure.

She said some of the most stupid shit, that while some of it OUT OF CONTEXT sounded way more racist than some people may have thought - It was how she reacted that caused the whole thing to start off. It was how people like me, and some of her pretty thick-headed supporters were reacting.

This got me banned in the KawaiiFeed discord, and got me banned from seeing anything SoKawaiiSunday and KawaiiFeed information on faceook. (Hye and Daisy may have conflicting data on that, i'm not aware if i remember what all I got removed/banned from - many apologies my brain is not working anymore.) Rightly so. I also jumped OUT OF a black lives matter group because my head was so spinning. I said things that meant one thing to me, but meant another thing when they came out of my mouth .

I have long since forgotten entirely what i've said, screenshots and proof. What I do know is - I lost a wonderful blogger that inspired me on so many levels. I defended an absolute abusive racist bully. I do mean this, because while she can be extremely nice and caring to some people - WHEN YOU CROSS her ass it's all over. Naria Panthar basically after I left her discord acted like I wronged her. Because i'd been given a lifeline by the utterly amazing Crymson Marder on FB - Naria felt like I was the stupid one now. Because i was listening to the bullies per se. (Yea, ok whatever.)

I am aware that I SOUND like i'm 100% normal when I start going on and thinking before i Type. (Like this blog ever sounds like that right now LOL) When I put my NORMAL PEOPLE mask on and start thinking REALLY HARD to the point i have to take advil and go to bed early - people think i'm a neurotypical indvidual. I have the kind of ADHD that not only do i say "OH LOOK SQUIRREL" but I forget what i'm saying mid sentence. I get anxiety seizures, and I have full on high functioning Aspergers/Autism spectrum. I do NOT FUNCTION like a normal human being. I can't hold down a job, i barely held down my own store in second life.

I was EXTREMELY broken already from two individuals ripping me to shreds back in june for things that weren't entirely my fault. How i reacted may have been the fault yes. But when Daphne Louis and Preston Davis came after me after the Beehive event - or rather DURING IT - I'd already had lost it. Fighting the whole thing where I'd been at fault, and didn't realize it in august etc - through September - the seizures at night were so much that I was starting to wonder If I fucking had epilepsy.

I am not trying to gain sympathy for this. What I am doing is recognizing what i've done and trying to not throw my ass under a bus for it. I'm trying to atone for my stupidity. I'm aware i'm probably still being put on Virtual Secrets for my stupidity - and if i'm not then i'm probably just internally wishing it i don't know LOL. I was tempted after i shut my store to put my own ass on there just to stir some cheeky drama LOL.

I am now back in the Black Lives Matter second life group - and I've made some progress with KawaiiFeed. I'm still not allowed in their discord, and I am not fighting this. I am aware that I can be an utterly huge tornado asshole when I react to shit. I also get self abusive when I'm stressed out. I am labelled worse than that because people assume, and I sort of don't blame them - they assume i'm doing it on purpose, that i'm doing things to harm others. When in reality i'm confused, dumbfounded, naive and self abusive.

Frankly. I owe 99.9% of Second Life a huge ass apology for the whole Naria scandal from my end. I don't even REMEMBER what I said on Facebook, let alone half the time on discord. I've long since deleted proof, screenshots and more because it's not about what everyone else is saying. (Except for when supposedly it's all my fault because some idiot on virtual secrets says so.) I've stupidly put shit on VS myself, i've stupidly said things to KawaiiFeed and So Kawaii Sundays that i utterly regret. I've said things on facebook i regret... I say things every day in real life i regret. Do i regret doing my store, doing an event? No, i just - I regret how I've reacted to things and I regret how it's brought the worst in me AF ever. Which is pretty much where a discussion with my friend that I had a recent falling out with happened. What caused me so much stryfe and stress that i'm even worse self abusive than I was during my degree? Uh. Lies. I was SUPER self abusive and outwardly extremely frustrating under duress. However that was to be expected in some format or another due to the pressure they put us under in that degree. I regret my reactions from then too, but - that's a different story.

Somehow Second Life brings out the UTTER WORST in me because I try to play "NORMAL" - I try to please people. I try to network, and I try to be a good person. I just have to admit i'm an asshole, and apologize for my WORSE than usual actions. I mean that sincerely lmao - I'm a LOVEABLE asshole. I'm a human being, I'm not an asshole that goes out on purpose to be an asshole. I try and be sarcastic, and I fail XD. So with that, second life peeps, real life peeps - My apology is not going to solve past or future issues. It is just the start in how to handle my ass when it comes to these things. I am extremely sorry for things i've said, done and didn't realize it - or in the end did the wrong thing. I'm also extremely sorry for the things I did realize too late. I'm not going to list everything because i don't remember everything that I've said or done in the last 10 months.

If you or soemone you know were directly harmed by something i've done - I don't know what else to do or say right now. I am extremely sorry, and all I wish for is to talk it over and try and figure out how to proceed.

If you're a best friend of mine, and you've been directly harmed by my stupidity - call me out on it more than I like lol. I know i've said block me, and remove me because i'm the scum of the earth. I can't keep saying shit like that because it only makes it worse. I get over protective sometimes and it makes it sound like i'm being a self righteous dick.

Anyway. That's - That's all I really can say for today. I still have some work on the black friday post to do, and I have an intense need to go back on FFXIV today. I might ... I might actually go back on my word about applying for sponsors MAYBE - I don't think anyone's gonna take me after that rant XD

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Site Updates January 2020

A simple update for those of you who've been here since before i swapped to using my domain name: Swapped my personal/branded domain from squarespace to wix - This merged the original blog with my own

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